A christmas Ghazal poem

My lovely buddy Jamie made me this wonderful Ghazal poem. I thought I would give you guys a gift and share it with you! Enjoy!

Morose Christmas Ghazal to Pedro

Lady Gaga & Miley Cyrus Join their hands
to pray for your crotch- a hope that hands

Will graze them soon, to lull you from the non-
self -inducing dry spell, to relieve your hands.

This Christmas I hope he comes, in your face (yes you meant it like that lol)
a man sent down too show off, Hands in hand!

as 2009 winds down, I hope there's an invite
to a party in your pants on hand.

To you, Pedro, The best shall come
in your face, in your mouth, but not in your hand!

I am not a robot

A lot of things I have been surpressing have been manifesting themselves through random acts of stupidity.
Its a bit of an understatement to say that this has been one of the roughest years for me. I have lost a lot. I have gained a bit. I had to start over new. I have had to accept certain facts about myself and my situation that were hard for me to accept.
I put a smile on my face, and while I may be crying inside, I wear that smile like a badge.
I never let it get me.
well, lately, the problems and the feelings have been starting to arise from the depths and are scratching the surface and I am not handling some of the emotions well.
They become misplaced and come out in really inappropriate times, making situations awkward and just unecesarry.
I said some things to someone that I really shouldnt have said, and im not sure if I really fully meant half of what I said. I am kinda confused about things with this person. I feel sort of toyed with.
Its my fault though. Against the wishes of many who said this is not a wise decision, I decided to carry on on the path that is him, and see where this path leads.
YES, I will get hurt.
YES, I know better.
How can I like someone so much that I question how much he actually liked me or if he even liked me at all?
Is it that I really like him like I think I do, or is it because im lonely, and hes recent?
Why is he different?
Why do I care?
Why?
After a long chat with one of my buds, He helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I have anwsered some of my questions, but  a few questions still plague me. I dont really wanna know the anwsers to the questions I want to ask. It might ruin the romance of it all.

I am vulnerable

Gotta Love Manhunt!

A guy messaged me on Manhunt. It was funny so I decided to post it. I am the >> (just in case you were wondering lol)

You are now chatting with Pla****(removed his name)
Pla****: fighting off bordem?
>> A little
>> mostly getting ready for work
>> you?
Pla****: at dorms
>> oh fun
Pla****: wat time you work
>> in like ten minutes lol
>> well i have to leave in ten minutes
Pla****: call in late
Pla****: i want you to fuck me hard
Pla****: im really horny to bottam
Pla****: and cant find no dude on here
Pla****: they all the
Pla****: same saying next time
Pla****: and 
Pla****: about to go to bed then why get on
Pla****: im just to hard and horny for all this]
Pla****: so whats up with you?
>> not much just checking my email
Pla****: JAJAJA ]
Pla****: ok not calling in,
Pla****: then im back on the hunt thanks bro
>> take care
Pla****:  hanh peace out

Desperation....sad....
Oh well, I guess when you need to get laid, you NEED to get laid. I wouldnt have fuck him with a ten foot pole even if I wasnt heading to work. I like how he really expected me to call in to work just so I could go over to his dorm, pop one off, then head into work. ummm no. Thats not how I work. Silly homo!

My new work tshirt is too tight. If I had the pecs and abs I am trying to achieve, then maybe id wear it, but I still have my tummy and ever shrinking moobs lol. Eww I hate using moobs.

Why do men from other states surf me on manhunt? Its odd. I am being soo random today, and the day has not even begun! GOOD TIMES!

you'll never see me again...

So I am feeling much better.

Like I always say, with sleep brings clarity.
So before I get some clarity, I wanted to make a real quick post.
I am in the process of potentially landing a decent guy for once. Hes nice and sweet. While I was having my sadfest, he kept saying the most hilarious things to cheer me up. The verdict is still out on whether he likes me enough to pursue. We made out once. VERY passionate kisser. It was a good night, but sadly I got busy with work, and never quite followed through. We shall see. If it doesnt I am not worried, Hes uber chill, and lets just say has some pretty awesome attributes(LOL).
dont wanna jinx it so I wont talk too much about it.
I will leave you with an awesome track from September
the videos kinda lame but I love the track. I heard it on the Kylie Minogue station on Pandora radio while doing trades at work.

Cry For You

What do you want from me?

I am a little upset. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I am pissed. I am hurt.
I am broken.
Why are a lot of my friendships so one sided?
Why is it I who has to put forth all the effort or the friendship ends?
Why am I the one who is made to feel guilty when its over or I stop communication?
Why am I never good enough?
Why am I your after thought?

I am not fucking stupid! I have spent my life perfecting the art of perception. I know when you all the sudden stop texting or calling me, I am being dissed. Most if not all of my relationships have ended with them all the sudden stopping communication. I figured I wouldnt have to put up with it with friends
I am so fucking tired of being your after thought. That person you call when you have exhausted all your other options, and because I am lonely, I go with it.
Not anymore. I DONT NEED THIS SHIT!
I am tired of being yelled at that "you never call me, you need to call me", making me feel like shit, but when I call you , you don't fucking answer or call me back. Then I see you online trolling for ass. Hmmm you must not have been that interested in talking to me.
I am sick of you saying "I really care for you Pedro, I worry about you" but yet I dont hear from you at all unless I see you randomly on facebook.
What the fuck do you want from me?
you know what. FUCK THAT. I dont care anymore.
I am taking care of me now, because I NEED to.
I need to get back to good.
If you are not on my side, then fuck you!


Whataya Want From Me By Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in,
I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

Instant Pleasure

Instant Pleasure By Rufus Wainwright
"I dont want
somebody to love me
just give me sex
whenever I want it
'cuz al I ask for
is instant pleasure..."

When I was a teenager, I used to say this was my theme song. Now, in my 27th year I find how Ironic that song is now. I interpret it as a snarky ode that is masking the fact that I DO actually want love.
I don't want instant pleasure. If that were the case, I could pick up my phone and have "instant pleasure" with at least 7 or 8 of the people in my phone book. But that's just not me.
So here we are again. Back to start.
god damn it.
C'est La Vie!
Why arent there any really cute guys that come into my work? I mean I know that it has that very hippy feel, but for fucks sake, send in the boys!! Ones That understand and use deodorant.
Thats the one thing I miss about Borders Tempe. ALWAYS a vast plethora of eye candy. I could actually get dates there, because you couldnt walk through BT without tripping over a homo.
Now......OLD LADIES! I am not that desperate yet.

Stay...

I have to post some Sacha Sacket music on my blog.

Heres one of my favorite songs from Sacha.
"Stay"



I remember the first times I saw Sacha Sacket. I was nervous so I sat at the back and was mesmerized by his voice. I met him after his set and I was in love. I am such a stalker! LOL!

 

BEAUTIFUL!I took these when he was playing @ Alice Cooperstown in PHX. He invited me out after that show & I got nervouse and chickened out. Goddamn me!

Dance Dance Dance

Ok so post time. Lately I have actually been a busy guy. Its like my feet touch the ground and I start running and only stop when I exhaust.
Today was a rest day. I have been working out, and I think I over worked myself because I woke up with stiff, achy leg muscles;oops! I cant sit comfortably in a chair lol.
So work is going great! I love it. It is as bookstore as you can get. The most fun and interesting thing is working at the trade desk. the things you learn about people by assessing theirs books. I once took in a book about masturbation (it was a 80s era explicit tutorial on how to masturbate);AWESOME!
Another plus side to working is that Changing hands is located in a plaza with no gross fast food places. I have been eating a lot more healthy, which in return, is helping with my get sexy plan! yeah! I remember I had so many unhealthy options when i worked for Borders-Chronic Taco, Jackin the box (yes I meant it that way lol), Panda Express, Munchies; The list goes on and on. I remember I gained so much weight. It didn't feel good. NOW, I have three choices, Macs, Wildflower Cafe, or Trader Joe's. All have really great food!
All I need is a man.
speaking of men...They blow and not in the way I have always wanted.
I have been attempting this dating thing, and like usual, its a bust.
so far i've met the following men:
-Hot guy with equally hot boyfriend, who is happy with his partner, yet propositions me for random hook ups
-Old bears
-Positive guys who insist on bareback sex
-men who aren't actually interested in me
-creepy old guys
-Really desperate men
Now the types aren't just one guy, I keep running into the same types over and over again.
It worries me the amount of positive men who are all about the BB sex and the negative men who are all into it. I am not a bug chaser! I will always practice safe sex! *steps off soapbox and returns to being Pedro*
So I had a funny moment with cheater boy again (the guy who keeps trying to hook up with me even though hes with man):
(his screen name was changed)
jakpedz: so how are you and the moster?
R: My monsters waiting for u. We have been good
jakpedz: oops I meant mister as in your boyfriend lol
I spent an hour laughing after that.
Someone asked me what my type was. I couldn't actually answer. What is my type? Everyone I have dated have been so diverse; I liked each of them for their own attributes, and not for a collective quality. The only thing that I guess would be a type is if they had a nice ass (im an ass man). That is also a problem because guys asses are like snow flakes, each one different and beautiful in its own way (Did I just equate guys asses to snowflakes?LOL)
Where can you find quality gay men now? I have exhausted all the options.I have tried bars, I have joined gay mens clubs, I have cruised the smutty internet sites liek A4A and manhunt, I have chatted on facebook and myspace. Where else? I am romantically frustrated....

The one day I loathe the most...

...Holiday decorations day!!! I hate it sooo much but its always inevitable and I am the only one who knows how to do it properly.
Thats what I spent my day doing. I constantly underestimate how much time it takes to string lights around the house. Upon hanging some lights I step into one of the ladders steps and banged my Right shin, leaving a beautiful & painful purple bruised bump.SEXY!
here are the results, hard to see but it looks better in person:




I spent a lot of time outside alone, with just my thoughts and my ipod. I was able to work out some issues I have been wrestling with in my mind.
each song helping me confront those difficult questions I know I have to answer.
There was one song that stuck out the most and that strangely repeated more then once. "wasteland" By Trapt.
It is very fitting considering all that I am feeling lately.
and this is how I end this post, with the song and the lyrics. Enjoy!

You don't ever ask me why
you don't read the signs
you give me way too many reasons
for me to wanna get high

Standing tall between my four walls
and I'm about to fall
so look into me eyes and i say it all

[bridge]
I am lost, I am lost
so crucify me on your cross
what's the cost, what's the cost
to erase what I've been taught
Get off my back don't attack
So what if I fell off the tracks
your master plan, don't understand

[chorus]
I'd rather live in my own Wasteland
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland

Scream at me until I shut down
Don't hear a sound
can only take so many cheap shots
down on the ground

I gotta go my own way this time
leave you behind
said it all but not enough for your
simple mind

[bridge]

[chorus]

You tell me what you want from me
you never ask me what i need
just let me go just set me free
and turn these nightmares into dreams

[bridge]

I'd rather live in my own Wasteland
And I wont waste another day
it doesn't matter what we say (my own wasteland)
your memories age
and with new age
I'd rather die in my own Wasteland

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland

Fuckity Fuck Fuck!

I got jury a duty summons!! A way to ruin a day! On The plus side I found a Ipod formatted "A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Master"!!!Fuck Yeah! This is a short and sweet post before I start getting ready for work. Having a interesting day....so far...

All This Time

"All this time, You've had it in you Just sometimes need a little push" So, in attempts to start over, or at least steer my life back into some sort of happy, I have been making a lot of personal goals for myself. It would be an understatement to say that the beginning of this year was a pretty rough one for me. I tripped along the path that I had been taking all these years. I lay on the ground with scraped knees and the unwillingness to continue on. After awhile I decide to get up, dust myself off, and try again, only this time on a completely different path. Another chapter in my story begins... ------- "So you've had some detours, some stupid men, now we know what not to do again..." Dating lately has become really awkward. Isnt there men out there that are still interested in intellectual stimulation and not just the sexual? Dont get me wrong,fuckin is fun, but there isnt anything more sexy than brains attached to a nice piece of ass. I have worked out a way of sexual release, but I am not to sure how long that will last. Most things like that come with the inevitable expiration. Eventually I am going to need the whole package ------ I FINALLY got Sacha Sacket's new cd "Hermitage " in the mail today!!! I hope he visits AZ again, so I can stop being a chicken shit and actually join him for drinks after his gig. Every time He invites me out to join him at a bar after his set, and I nervously think of a way out of it. HES JUST SOOO FUCKING HOT! ----- I need to go to bed. One major thing I need to work on is getting to bed before 3am. Maybe I need sleeping pills? Hmm.... ... Goodnight!