I am not a robot

A lot of things I have been surpressing have been manifesting themselves through random acts of stupidity.
Its a bit of an understatement to say that this has been one of the roughest years for me. I have lost a lot. I have gained a bit. I had to start over new. I have had to accept certain facts about myself and my situation that were hard for me to accept.
I put a smile on my face, and while I may be crying inside, I wear that smile like a badge.
I never let it get me.
well, lately, the problems and the feelings have been starting to arise from the depths and are scratching the surface and I am not handling some of the emotions well.
They become misplaced and come out in really inappropriate times, making situations awkward and just unecesarry.
I said some things to someone that I really shouldnt have said, and im not sure if I really fully meant half of what I said. I am kinda confused about things with this person. I feel sort of toyed with.
Its my fault though. Against the wishes of many who said this is not a wise decision, I decided to carry on on the path that is him, and see where this path leads.
YES, I will get hurt.
YES, I know better.
How can I like someone so much that I question how much he actually liked me or if he even liked me at all?
Is it that I really like him like I think I do, or is it because im lonely, and hes recent?
Why is he different?
Why do I care?
Why?
After a long chat with one of my buds, He helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I have anwsered some of my questions, but  a few questions still plague me. I dont really wanna know the anwsers to the questions I want to ask. It might ruin the romance of it all.

I am vulnerable