A christmas Ghazal poem

My lovely buddy Jamie made me this wonderful Ghazal poem. I thought I would give you guys a gift and share it with you! Enjoy!

Morose Christmas Ghazal to Pedro

Lady Gaga & Miley Cyrus Join their hands
to pray for your crotch- a hope that hands

Will graze them soon, to lull you from the non-
self -inducing dry spell, to relieve your hands.

This Christmas I hope he comes, in your face (yes you meant it like that lol)
a man sent down too show off, Hands in hand!

as 2009 winds down, I hope there's an invite
to a party in your pants on hand.

To you, Pedro, The best shall come
in your face, in your mouth, but not in your hand!

I am not a robot

A lot of things I have been surpressing have been manifesting themselves through random acts of stupidity.
Its a bit of an understatement to say that this has been one of the roughest years for me. I have lost a lot. I have gained a bit. I had to start over new. I have had to accept certain facts about myself and my situation that were hard for me to accept.
I put a smile on my face, and while I may be crying inside, I wear that smile like a badge.
I never let it get me.
well, lately, the problems and the feelings have been starting to arise from the depths and are scratching the surface and I am not handling some of the emotions well.
They become misplaced and come out in really inappropriate times, making situations awkward and just unecesarry.
I said some things to someone that I really shouldnt have said, and im not sure if I really fully meant half of what I said. I am kinda confused about things with this person. I feel sort of toyed with.
Its my fault though. Against the wishes of many who said this is not a wise decision, I decided to carry on on the path that is him, and see where this path leads.
YES, I will get hurt.
YES, I know better.
How can I like someone so much that I question how much he actually liked me or if he even liked me at all?
Is it that I really like him like I think I do, or is it because im lonely, and hes recent?
Why is he different?
Why do I care?
Why?
After a long chat with one of my buds, He helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I have anwsered some of my questions, but  a few questions still plague me. I dont really wanna know the anwsers to the questions I want to ask. It might ruin the romance of it all.

I am vulnerable

Gotta Love Manhunt!

A guy messaged me on Manhunt. It was funny so I decided to post it. I am the >> (just in case you were wondering lol)

You are now chatting with Pla****(removed his name)
Pla****: fighting off bordem?
>> A little
>> mostly getting ready for work
>> you?
Pla****: at dorms
>> oh fun
Pla****: wat time you work
>> in like ten minutes lol
>> well i have to leave in ten minutes
Pla****: call in late
Pla****: i want you to fuck me hard
Pla****: im really horny to bottam
Pla****: and cant find no dude on here
Pla****: they all the
Pla****: same saying next time
Pla****: and 
Pla****: about to go to bed then why get on
Pla****: im just to hard and horny for all this]
Pla****: so whats up with you?
>> not much just checking my email
Pla****: JAJAJA ]
Pla****: ok not calling in,
Pla****: then im back on the hunt thanks bro
>> take care
Pla****:  hanh peace out

Desperation....sad....
Oh well, I guess when you need to get laid, you NEED to get laid. I wouldnt have fuck him with a ten foot pole even if I wasnt heading to work. I like how he really expected me to call in to work just so I could go over to his dorm, pop one off, then head into work. ummm no. Thats not how I work. Silly homo!

My new work tshirt is too tight. If I had the pecs and abs I am trying to achieve, then maybe id wear it, but I still have my tummy and ever shrinking moobs lol. Eww I hate using moobs.

Why do men from other states surf me on manhunt? Its odd. I am being soo random today, and the day has not even begun! GOOD TIMES!

you'll never see me again...

So I am feeling much better.

Like I always say, with sleep brings clarity.
So before I get some clarity, I wanted to make a real quick post.
I am in the process of potentially landing a decent guy for once. Hes nice and sweet. While I was having my sadfest, he kept saying the most hilarious things to cheer me up. The verdict is still out on whether he likes me enough to pursue. We made out once. VERY passionate kisser. It was a good night, but sadly I got busy with work, and never quite followed through. We shall see. If it doesnt I am not worried, Hes uber chill, and lets just say has some pretty awesome attributes(LOL).
dont wanna jinx it so I wont talk too much about it.
I will leave you with an awesome track from September
the videos kinda lame but I love the track. I heard it on the Kylie Minogue station on Pandora radio while doing trades at work.

Cry For You

What do you want from me?

I am a little upset. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I am pissed. I am hurt.
I am broken.
Why are a lot of my friendships so one sided?
Why is it I who has to put forth all the effort or the friendship ends?
Why am I the one who is made to feel guilty when its over or I stop communication?
Why am I never good enough?
Why am I your after thought?

I am not fucking stupid! I have spent my life perfecting the art of perception. I know when you all the sudden stop texting or calling me, I am being dissed. Most if not all of my relationships have ended with them all the sudden stopping communication. I figured I wouldnt have to put up with it with friends
I am so fucking tired of being your after thought. That person you call when you have exhausted all your other options, and because I am lonely, I go with it.
Not anymore. I DONT NEED THIS SHIT!
I am tired of being yelled at that "you never call me, you need to call me", making me feel like shit, but when I call you , you don't fucking answer or call me back. Then I see you online trolling for ass. Hmmm you must not have been that interested in talking to me.
I am sick of you saying "I really care for you Pedro, I worry about you" but yet I dont hear from you at all unless I see you randomly on facebook.
What the fuck do you want from me?
you know what. FUCK THAT. I dont care anymore.
I am taking care of me now, because I NEED to.
I need to get back to good.
If you are not on my side, then fuck you!


Whataya Want From Me By Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)

Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in,
I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me

Instant Pleasure

Instant Pleasure By Rufus Wainwright
"I dont want
somebody to love me
just give me sex
whenever I want it
'cuz al I ask for
is instant pleasure..."

When I was a teenager, I used to say this was my theme song. Now, in my 27th year I find how Ironic that song is now. I interpret it as a snarky ode that is masking the fact that I DO actually want love.
I don't want instant pleasure. If that were the case, I could pick up my phone and have "instant pleasure" with at least 7 or 8 of the people in my phone book. But that's just not me.
So here we are again. Back to start.
god damn it.
C'est La Vie!
Why arent there any really cute guys that come into my work? I mean I know that it has that very hippy feel, but for fucks sake, send in the boys!! Ones That understand and use deodorant.
Thats the one thing I miss about Borders Tempe. ALWAYS a vast plethora of eye candy. I could actually get dates there, because you couldnt walk through BT without tripping over a homo.
Now......OLD LADIES! I am not that desperate yet.

Stay...

I have to post some Sacha Sacket music on my blog.

Heres one of my favorite songs from Sacha.
"Stay"



I remember the first times I saw Sacha Sacket. I was nervous so I sat at the back and was mesmerized by his voice. I met him after his set and I was in love. I am such a stalker! LOL!

 

BEAUTIFUL!I took these when he was playing @ Alice Cooperstown in PHX. He invited me out after that show & I got nervouse and chickened out. Goddamn me!

Dance Dance Dance

Ok so post time. Lately I have actually been a busy guy. Its like my feet touch the ground and I start running and only stop when I exhaust.
Today was a rest day. I have been working out, and I think I over worked myself because I woke up with stiff, achy leg muscles;oops! I cant sit comfortably in a chair lol.
So work is going great! I love it. It is as bookstore as you can get. The most fun and interesting thing is working at the trade desk. the things you learn about people by assessing theirs books. I once took in a book about masturbation (it was a 80s era explicit tutorial on how to masturbate);AWESOME!
Another plus side to working is that Changing hands is located in a plaza with no gross fast food places. I have been eating a lot more healthy, which in return, is helping with my get sexy plan! yeah! I remember I had so many unhealthy options when i worked for Borders-Chronic Taco, Jackin the box (yes I meant it that way lol), Panda Express, Munchies; The list goes on and on. I remember I gained so much weight. It didn't feel good. NOW, I have three choices, Macs, Wildflower Cafe, or Trader Joe's. All have really great food!
All I need is a man.
speaking of men...They blow and not in the way I have always wanted.
I have been attempting this dating thing, and like usual, its a bust.
so far i've met the following men:
-Hot guy with equally hot boyfriend, who is happy with his partner, yet propositions me for random hook ups
-Old bears
-Positive guys who insist on bareback sex
-men who aren't actually interested in me
-creepy old guys
-Really desperate men
Now the types aren't just one guy, I keep running into the same types over and over again.
It worries me the amount of positive men who are all about the BB sex and the negative men who are all into it. I am not a bug chaser! I will always practice safe sex! *steps off soapbox and returns to being Pedro*
So I had a funny moment with cheater boy again (the guy who keeps trying to hook up with me even though hes with man):
(his screen name was changed)
jakpedz: so how are you and the moster?
R: My monsters waiting for u. We have been good
jakpedz: oops I meant mister as in your boyfriend lol
I spent an hour laughing after that.
Someone asked me what my type was. I couldn't actually answer. What is my type? Everyone I have dated have been so diverse; I liked each of them for their own attributes, and not for a collective quality. The only thing that I guess would be a type is if they had a nice ass (im an ass man). That is also a problem because guys asses are like snow flakes, each one different and beautiful in its own way (Did I just equate guys asses to snowflakes?LOL)
Where can you find quality gay men now? I have exhausted all the options.I have tried bars, I have joined gay mens clubs, I have cruised the smutty internet sites liek A4A and manhunt, I have chatted on facebook and myspace. Where else? I am romantically frustrated....

The one day I loathe the most...

...Holiday decorations day!!! I hate it sooo much but its always inevitable and I am the only one who knows how to do it properly.
Thats what I spent my day doing. I constantly underestimate how much time it takes to string lights around the house. Upon hanging some lights I step into one of the ladders steps and banged my Right shin, leaving a beautiful & painful purple bruised bump.SEXY!
here are the results, hard to see but it looks better in person:




I spent a lot of time outside alone, with just my thoughts and my ipod. I was able to work out some issues I have been wrestling with in my mind.
each song helping me confront those difficult questions I know I have to answer.
There was one song that stuck out the most and that strangely repeated more then once. "wasteland" By Trapt.
It is very fitting considering all that I am feeling lately.
and this is how I end this post, with the song and the lyrics. Enjoy!

You don't ever ask me why
you don't read the signs
you give me way too many reasons
for me to wanna get high

Standing tall between my four walls
and I'm about to fall
so look into me eyes and i say it all

[bridge]
I am lost, I am lost
so crucify me on your cross
what's the cost, what's the cost
to erase what I've been taught
Get off my back don't attack
So what if I fell off the tracks
your master plan, don't understand

[chorus]
I'd rather live in my own Wasteland
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland

Scream at me until I shut down
Don't hear a sound
can only take so many cheap shots
down on the ground

I gotta go my own way this time
leave you behind
said it all but not enough for your
simple mind

[bridge]

[chorus]

You tell me what you want from me
you never ask me what i need
just let me go just set me free
and turn these nightmares into dreams

[bridge]

I'd rather live in my own Wasteland
And I wont waste another day
it doesn't matter what we say (my own wasteland)
your memories age
and with new age
I'd rather die in my own Wasteland

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
My own wasteland
I don't belong
I don't belong
My own wasteland

Fuckity Fuck Fuck!

I got jury a duty summons!! A way to ruin a day! On The plus side I found a Ipod formatted "A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Master"!!!Fuck Yeah! This is a short and sweet post before I start getting ready for work. Having a interesting day....so far...

All This Time

"All this time, You've had it in you Just sometimes need a little push" So, in attempts to start over, or at least steer my life back into some sort of happy, I have been making a lot of personal goals for myself. It would be an understatement to say that the beginning of this year was a pretty rough one for me. I tripped along the path that I had been taking all these years. I lay on the ground with scraped knees and the unwillingness to continue on. After awhile I decide to get up, dust myself off, and try again, only this time on a completely different path. Another chapter in my story begins... ------- "So you've had some detours, some stupid men, now we know what not to do again..." Dating lately has become really awkward. Isnt there men out there that are still interested in intellectual stimulation and not just the sexual? Dont get me wrong,fuckin is fun, but there isnt anything more sexy than brains attached to a nice piece of ass. I have worked out a way of sexual release, but I am not to sure how long that will last. Most things like that come with the inevitable expiration. Eventually I am going to need the whole package ------ I FINALLY got Sacha Sacket's new cd "Hermitage " in the mail today!!! I hope he visits AZ again, so I can stop being a chicken shit and actually join him for drinks after his gig. Every time He invites me out to join him at a bar after his set, and I nervously think of a way out of it. HES JUST SOOO FUCKING HOT! ----- I need to go to bed. One major thing I need to work on is getting to bed before 3am. Maybe I need sleeping pills? Hmm.... ... Goodnight!

Pedro in Retrospect

Well here it is…

It’s been several years since I have sat down and written in a blog.  My history and years of youth are scattered online, hidden in the vastly infinite internet.

I was lucky enough to salvage a few of them, dating back to 2003 all the way until last year. I sat and read through them. I am amazed on how much I have changed and in a lot of ways remained that awkward “lost boy” (my most popular blog was called “Confessions of a lost boy”; the blog image was my notorious black books with rainbow laces).

I will share a few here as a beginning to this blog.

Enjoy and welcome to my world:

*warning: its quite long, and filled with grammatical errors but definitely fun to read*

 Monday, August 18, 2003

*a view from afar*

God, where to begin... having problems adjusting to my surroundings... seems like my life, but why does it feel so strange?

tori's "silent all the years” is on repeat in the background. I am getting allot of really great advice from all sorts of places, most old friends, some new friends, and the best came from an aids victim. He’s the sweetest guy. You can see the affect it has had on his body, he’s a skeleton. But I find beauty in him. He has really beautiful eyes. he told me there’s is a lot more I need to learn, being only 20, there’s a long road in front of me. he also told me with time I will be able to read people like a book, can do that now, but I will keep quiet about that, there are some books that we think we've read and then you find out they have a completely different ending and there are pages missing.

I told a friend that the mind is crueler then the body’s actions. And when someone does something horrid and you wish you could read their mind to see its motive, but then you think, well, no I don’t think I would want to see the thoughts on that cruel act.

Hey Chrissy, you rock!

An old friend gave me some advice; he has known me since I was seventeen, so I think he’d be an authority on MY LIFE. But when we started to talk, he amazed me on how much I didn’t agree with what he said. It kind of saddened me. This was my strength, and I am saying to him "but you don’t understand, I AM not like that". I thought he knew I was different than the rest of the tribe. We talked about a common thread; he told me I should just give up on this common thread. But I DONT GIVE UP. On anything! Doesn’t he know that?!? Doesn’t he know me?!? I couldn’t give up on this boy (our common thread). Then he accused me of jumping head first. This is true in a sense.

I will always jump head first, I’m not afraid of the land; the jump isn’t that scary either, I do it for the fall.  But the fall was different, and the land was an awful one, I got up, looked around and said "shit....” everyone has been telling me to give up on this boy, but I still can’t. I won’t! I am too stubborn. My old friend told me:

"There will be other "boys"(he really said the boys name), and you can forget about this one."

Fuck other "boys"! I don’t want a replacement "boy". I want this "boy"!

Angered me to no end, in such a way that made me cry, thinking about this boy not in my life at all is un-comprehensible. I was told I was being stubborn, and that fate is convening, stepping in, and breaking us apart. Fuck fate, I will challenge fate (yes, I know, I’m stubborn), fate will have to pull me away, kicking and screaming.

Friends are slowly ascending into their own lives, and I’m descending back into my shadows. I know they aren’t doing it on purpose, but I am slowly becoming the way I am accustomed to...a faint memory, a photo, a quirky story about me doing something stupid, and then the saying "jeeze, I wonder what happened to him?"

He’s still there, been silent all these years, waiting in the misty darkness for his time to be seen.

"I got five bucks and a cracker, do you thinks it’s enough?...to get us there?...."---tori amos"SATY"

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

    *welcome to upper status*

god, I didn’t think being a lead at a bookstore would be sooo draining. I underestimated the work load. but I really am not complaining about that. I enjoy it! sounds crazy, but I love a challenge.

so Monday, I did my first closer shift. and let me tell you, it was pure madness, instead of doing the information center; I got stuck at the front entrance register, next to Kara.

I wanted to beat Kara with a book (preferably a LDS book). everything that came out her mouth was a remark on how I am going slow or how I need to do this or that better. ok, so it’s fine to get criticism, and I greatly appreciate criticisms from people who want to see me do right. but this is Kara, the same girl who said that if I dated a fat woman it’ll cure me of my homosexuality, because, men and fat women are practically the same thing.

Kara makes me mad, and I never really got that annoyed by her, until I actually WORKED with her. she wasn’t helpful nor was she a very pleasant person. I was glad when she left and I will pray to god we don’t have to work in such close proximity again. I can tolerate her from a distance

I found myself missing receiving, but I enjoy being out into the world, instead of boxed up. I do forfeit listening to my own music, and drinking soda while I work, but I don’t have that great feeling of isolation anymore.

rummaging through my drawer o' shit, I found a cd that has old dashboard confessional tracks on it. they are very acoustic, most of them are on "the places that you have come to fear the most" cd, but revamp.

I remember dling these track from the internet. before dashboard was a mtv messiah and a definite part of our vocabulary, he was a unknown acoustic singer going from mom and pop shops singing and promoting his eps and upcoming album "PTYHCTFTM". he was at zia records in Tempe, and I caught whiff of his voice. my god!! I wondered how a guy like that could sing so brutally painful and be able to show it in his voice. I HAD TO BUY HIS EP! and anxiously awaited his album, well not really, cuz I dled all the tracks off it from kazaa, but they weren’t the actually album tracks they were probably demo tracks. still loved them. I had never heard anything like that before.

when he sang his pain, a gut-wrenching pain, you felt it, and you could definitely sympathize. and to this day, he still amazes me. plus he is absolutely fucking hot!

Sunday, September 28, 2003

*I have to learn to say no sometimes*

so I a exhausted times ten. my last day off was tuesday, and my next one is thursday.

I worked a turn around this weekend(Thursday 3:30pm-12am then back to work on friday 7:30am-3:30pm) and I haven’t fully recovered.

 been getting bargain ready for the "bum bum bum" HOLIDAY SEASON!!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaah!

already, shit where'd the time go?

I put up my last two calendar waterfall fixture, and tomorrow from 7:00am-3:30pm I will be putting up my FOS 4th wall gondola shit. FUN!

Don’t get me wrong , I like being the bargain lead, but I came on at the worst possible time, but I intend to conquer it.

a couple people came up to me and have said "you shouldn’t have taken this job, told you it would be hard work..."

FUCK YOU! I am well equipped for this job, hell its easy, but the problem is recovering after they drop a couple pallet bombs of bargain on you. but I’m am recovery. I have more than proven that I am capable of handling this job, THATS WHY THEY ASKED ME TO BE IT!!!!

hell, I was number 1 in the fucking store, and that proves a lot! the nay sayers can just shut the fuck up, cuz I handle mine....

just a little tired, its taking a toll on the body, but I will rest when I know I can without drowning....

yeah, still feeling a little lonely, but the exhaustion from working so many hours and not enough rest is keeping the mind preoccupied.

I have been having really weird ass dreams.

they are really awesome dreams, and its cruel to make me dream them , and to wake up to a reality unlike it.

every dream I have had for the last two months have been about Alex, or have involved him in some sort of way.

no, not sexual dreams(I never thought of Alex in any sexual way though I think he thought I did, no...he’s different), but wonderfully dreamt ones.

I keep wondering why these are going on; most likely cuz I miss him so much its clouding my subconscious, and my subconscious is finding a way to cope by creating softer situations.

I sound like a stalker over Alex, but I don’t care.

there’s something about the boy that disturbs my presence so much, that sounds harsh but I should explain it like this...

from the first day I met him, I knew there was something there. I remember when I gave him my number and he called me.

started out as infatuation, the boy was fucking adorable when we started talking, and ended up taking my breath away when we ended it.

the boy has this overwhelming affect on me. hell, he bewitched me. I saw him that day in Penn. and my heart was racing so fast I thought it would blow out my chest "so this is Alex. wowza" ran through my head

at dinner, I prayed to god to give me words so I could talk to him, but all that could come out was "hi". I sat there in shame as the time slipped away. then when he left, he ran his hand across my head and patted it, I DIED.

Don’t want to go over the rest, I will live in regret over what occurred next, but I did something I thought would help me, but harmed everything in the process.

ok I’m crying so I will stop explaining, let’s just say I love that boy more then he knows. I don’t care if he hates me, I will always love that boy, and I will stand against the devil and beg god to give that boy everything he needs to be that wonderful boy I know he'll be.

he is and always be , my best friend. whether we ever talk again, only time will tell, but I will always hold him in the highest of regards.

Alex is my PROVILONE! *laughs at the old inside joke. god miss those days.*

Sunday, January 04, 2004

upward descent+

"It is easy to go down to Hell...; but to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air, there's the rub..." ---Virgil, Aeneid.

as I climb back to civilization, I find jagged edges, and loose rocks.

acts of treachery are making the climb exhausting.

Y’know , when you bestow upon someone some very personal and private information, you don’t expect them to turn around and make babbling gossip of it. this could hurt many opportunities for me, and even jeopardize other aspects of my life.

Friday, January 23, 2004

*everyday déjà vu*

so I have been ,so far, waking every morning at exactly 4:21am. it’s odd. I all the sudden get really freaked out and I don’t believe what time it is. I can’t remember what I just dreamt but I seem to stop and arise at 4:21. and I am not setting my alarm for that time, cuz my alarm is set to go off at 6am.

after that I get really tired and fall back asleep. but its weird. I am curious why I wake up at 4:21. or maybe I am just dreaming it?

who knows my dreams(when I can remember them) are too realistic to decipher fact from fiction.

creepy....

*side note* still wake up at 4:21am every so often, still in a scary panic*

Monday, June 14, 2004

-threes a party, what a trip-

 a email from my buddy frank left in my email box:

"I could spend all summer trying to figure you out but I'm not even sure I could even scratch the surface.

F~"

Hmm, very fitting for this weekend. thursday night i got a cal from my buddy michael

"hey pedro, do you wanna go to six flags saturday, we will leave friday night, get there in time for six flags to open, you in?"

"sure"

friday afternoon was just so fun. michael picked me up, and dustin was a third guy. i am soo glad he went with us, i really got to get to know him. hes soo cute, i found it hard to no swoon over him. yes, i developed a little crush.

but before i get youz guyz hopes up, hes leaving for new york in a month and hes in a FWB relationship.(*side note, he has been leaving for new york for three years now...still hasnt gone...dumb bitch....)

so anywho, we headed out to phoenix, we had plenty of time to kill before we headed towards six flags, so we went up to amsterdams to have some drinks and relax. i had my sprites, michael gave me some drink, and i took one little sip and i hated it. its all good though, sprite does just fine for me.

after that we headed to macayos for some dinner. our waitress was a major bitch, and our food wasnt soo good, but it was fun, dustin stopped a guy who was walking past us to tell him we all thought we was cute. fun times.

then we started on our journey. took us six hours, on the way we played the who would you do game, then we told all our life stories, then just chitchat. it was fun, michael (who started off driving) back seated it and sleep the rest of the way there, giving me and dustin a chance to talk ( i honestly think michael is trying to get me some action, how sweet , but like i told him, im not gonna be a lay, and it would be useless trying to get to know  him intimately due to the  fact that hell eb a new yorker soon(*another sidenote:  he then came to stay with me for a week which turned into a year...dumb dumb bitch....). we almost hit a coyote and a wolf(which is sooo very strange to see a wolf  in that part of az.

dustin and me have so much in common, our discussions were on religion, mystisizm, wiccan, and good old fashion heaven and hell, deep shit for a drive to six flags but i relished it.

we got there at 3am. park opens at 10am. and we didnt have the money to stay in a hotel. what do three boys do in this situation? sleep in the car of a parking lot of a starbucks(HAHA). omg, that was horrible, cuz the damn parking stayed fully lit throughout the night, and the car was soo uncomfortable. but we made it through the night.

we ate at dennys. that was soo funny, we walked in, got seated, and the waitress taking are order was soo hilarious:

michael: i dont know what i want... i think ill go with a fruit cup

waitress: i knew you were gonna get that, the moment you walked in , i knew what you wanted

a fruit ordering a fruit cup, hmmm..... ill let you ponder that.

off to six flags we go. that was the shit. we rode all the fun ass rides and we spent all day in the theme park, by the time 8pm rolled around we were soo ready to go home. we ran into a problem.

michael took the wrong way and we ended up going deep into the heart of los angeles. two hour detour. he kept exiting the free way and getting lost, so dustin took over and drive us to our homes.

of course this is just a very watered down version of what happened. but i dont wanna sit here and write out word for word, what happened, all i can say is that is was the best time i have had in ages. what a way to start the summer

i really hope to spend a little more time with dustin before he leaves. damn, dont that be my luck,  meet a guy i am soo compatible with, and hes leaving to new york.

oh well, regardless, hes still a blast to be with.

have a great one yall, i soo need sleep, i have gone without sleep since friday.

kisses

Saturday, October 29, 2005

-this used to be my playground--

a recent conversation stirred up some cherished memories.

those were the days, when the complexities of life seemed non-existant

i always talk about a "concrete kindgom"; the one where i became myself, the one where i gained a lot of  knowledge, but lost a lot of life. this concrete kingdom stills exists, its still there, though any traces of the past have been paved over a replaced by a new kingdom...

but there are still the fragments of the once majestic escape. the people who once inhibited it have all wandered off, to begin new lives, take on new directions, some good some bad.

i lost my connections to this kingdom, lost boys usually are forgotten in days as tori amos would put it.

i dont think i will be remembered. but i love the one connection i have left. im glad he has stuck by me.

its sad. i miss this place. the times i had there are truly unforgettable.

but in time we all must leave that place. grow up, venture out, "disconnect", live. that place will always be with you, because IT IS you.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

              

i will not be conquered

let me just say this, and i am not trying to be bitchy or anything, just stating hard cold facts about me.

i can read alot of people like a book. in fact most peopel are soo easy to read for me.

my keen art of perception i perfected when i was a kid.

now just because i get myself into some stupid shit because of some people does not mean that i was unaware of it, it was merely because i wanted to go for a ride, and sometimes those have consequences.

for instance, i had a roommate dustin, he was sooo transparent to me, i predicted all his moves, and some of them i let go through because i wanted to see what would happen if i let things go the way they did. i wasnt ever surprised with the shit he did, and it got rather annoying .

i could smell the lies this boy would tell. it was sad that i had to sift through the shit he’d sling just to get to the truth. but i did it, and the lies outwayed the truth, and he had to go.

i still do it now.

i am not stupid. i dont know why people treat me like i a dumb.

I CAN SEE THROUGH YOU, and i would like honesty cuz i can see what you are hiding. and one way or another, i am going to find out, hell I ALREADY KNOW!! i dont need to find out! i would just love for you to be upfront with me. honest.

and trust me, i can see when someone is trying to run their game on me

so rest assure that i am not gonna be conquered.

ok just had to let that out.

honestly i am perplexed on why people must feel they need to fake it with me.

as far as me being played by this one person, itll be squashed before it even start, dont worry about me i am a big boy.

things are under my control. i wont let them .

Sunday, February 26, 2006 

I n the Happy

So lately, as you all know i have been having a really shitty time, with fake ass friends, family issues, and financial troubles. I have to say i have been waking up tired...but also a lot happier.

I have saved up some money and along with the mulah i got from my tax return, i was able to get a laptop. It is a pretty nice one. A gateway(typing on it now). I went laptop shopping and i finally decided in this one. I am really pleased on my decision. Sorry Libby and Harley. I just couldnt afford a mac right now; and i wasnt feeling one. dont hate me ;)

my cars engine is almost paid off. a few more hundred is all that i owe.

I finally got rid of the drama that is cameron. I just couldnt take his bullshit and lying anymore. He told m that i should rot in hell. I told him i will see him there.

went out with Justin yesterday. Its been ages since we have actually done anything. It was fun.

I have had fun with weekend. Spent friday night with Nellz. We went to BSWest for heaven and hell. it was crazy fun.

So this is what its like to be happy....hmmm.....i should do this more often....

Thursday, March 02, 2006

         

deep thoughts

*sometimes i wish  i was a  circus clown. wouldnt that be kool? having a name like jo jo or bubbles or mr tinker. packing you and 80 other lords of laughter into a tiny little car. bringing joy and laughter and on some occasion utter fear or sheer terror to the faces of children everywhere....

*i really need to re color code my wardobe...

*how can someone compare man musk to rich mahogany? i mean do they really smell the same?  i dont even think i own anything mahogany....

*why the hell is a jacobs ladder called a jacobs ladder? i wonder if there has been any incidents where a jacobs ladder clad penis has gotten stuck in a sexual orfice...... how embarrasing would that ride to teh hospital be....

*i like red devil sauce. i seriousy love it on anything.

* i need to get that bag of porn out of my trunk. i am gonna seel it at bookmans and see how much it is all worth.....

*this chair is the most uncomfortable chair in the world.

the things that randomly pop into your head when your half asleep and bored.......

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

ummmm...i just want my fuckin tacos!!!

ok so i know this is a tad bit late, but its been sort of impossible for me to actually sit at my computere and form sentences, but i figured this experience is just too good to go untold.

so last saturday was my "desert dreams conference" i have been preparing for since the beginning of the year. well it wa sa logn day and i mustve ran all around the chapparral suites lookign for change when our cash till ran out(we did soo fucking awesome, more money then i expected, go me!).

so i get back to work around like 8pm, unload my car of teh rest of teh stuff that didnt sell, then head out so i could go home and shower and try to make the date i made with this gorgeous boy.

hunger struck so i stopped at a jack -n-the-box near my house to get some tacos. naturally since i ordered more then two, they couldnt make them fast enough and since there was a GINORMOUS line(sarcastic, there actually wasnt a line, but they always do this to me), they asked me to park on the side and they will bring my order out.

so i drove around and park in the parking spaces on the side of the building, turned off engine and lights, sat there with the window down, just relaxing.

a minute goes by and this car pulls up two spaces away and parks.

the conversations follows verbatim:

man:"hey man. hows it going?"

pedro:"its going swell man how about you?"

man:"good man, what are you up too tonight?"

hungry pedro:"i am gonna go home take a shower and eat my tacos."

man:"do you know where a bookstore is?"

helpful hungry pedro:"umm yeah there is a borders on mill and university. you just go out this way make a left unto university and you will drive til you get to mill......(realizes he might not be asking about that sort of bookstore)......ummm what kind of bookstore were you looking for?"

man:"i am looking for an adult bookstore or an adult shop, i heard there was one around here. i am new to town and i am not sure where anythig is."

hungry shocked pedro:"umm well there this place up on alma school and apache."

man:"i am really looking to give some head tonight. so what are you up too later tonight?"

eww hungry pedro:"umm i am gonna go home , take a shower and eat some tacos. then i have a date later."

man: do you know where there are places that are very open , yknwo liek clubs?"

still helpful pedro:"well alot fo bars around here are college str8 crowd, head into phoenix you'll find more "open" clubs"

man:"so you are gonna go home and eat some tacos eh?"

pedro:"yeah. eat some tacos"

man"yeha i just really want to give some head tonight"

pedro:"well i hear *adult bookstore* has glory holes, so you might get lucky there"

*tacos arrive in teh nick of time*

pedro:" welp i got my tacos, good luck man!"

man:"thanx man"

i drive outta there so fast.

whats sad is that this isnt the first time this has happened. do i look like a slut? do i have "ask me for a good time?" tattooed i my forehead? why must men think ist alright to come up to me and proposition me for sex?

fun huh?

Sunday, June 24, 2007

in all attempts to be happy..

Ok so somebody mentioned to me that I have been such a Debbie Downer in my blogging lately. I am trying to refrain from writing melancholy posts, but a lot of negative shit has been going on and I needed to vent somehow.

So what better way then blog it up for a few loyal readers and a few strangers here and there.lol!

So my ascension from hell seems to be going well so far. Little bit of a rub, but it has not stopped my progress. One of my good friends is M.I.A. Well at least he has lost contact with me. Once in awhile we exchange text messages, and I will call and leave a message, but I see this one slipping away as well. Shit! I really know how to pick some good friends. I cant complain or really get angry at him though, last time I heard he was actually doing great. He was on the path he wants, dating someone, and enjoying his life; All the things I want, so I cant be mad at that. No room for a lost boy.I really am that transition friend.

That friend that helps you transition between one stage and teh next, and when this transition is well on its way or is complete, there is really no room or need for this said friend, so they just get erased, slowly disappear from your life.

Thats me. Sad.

ok so now for the more chipper part:

I am talking to this really wonderful guy right now. I dont really want to jinx it so I will not give any details, but its just sweet to be treated like you exist every once in a while. I am taking it slow. I really want to see what I can make of this one.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

random acts of thoughtless thinking

I am tired and my mind is really spaced out today. I am thinking all sorts of stupid shit. Here is just a few things swirling around:

Thre is a trend in the older gay community which really irritates me; When you and your partner wear matching track pants and white Tees. I always see this. It is like the only way they can show that they are together is by looking like a carbon copy of your eachother. I run into this almost on a daily basis at work. Here comes an older gay couple. Some very attractive, others not so much; they are all decked out in nike track pants (to create a identity variation one will were a red or black while the other a dark blue) and they both have the same gap plain white tee on. I guess thats cute and all but it would freak me out if someone asked me if me and my mate were twins or brother. EWWWW brother fuckers! NO MORE TRACKIES AND WHITE TEES!

The other day I had a really interesting call from a disgruntle customer.

Me: Hello, this is Pedro How can I help you?

Pat (aptly named being that I could not determine its sex): Hello I am calling you with a complaint.

Me: Ok

Pat: Well I am rather upset at a very explicit display that you guys had featured around Valentines day.

Me:Which display are you referring to

Pat: It was the one with all the books depicting sexual acts and had a lot of explicit sexual acts. My concern is that it was in plain sight and accessible to children. I dont think you should have displays where you feature books of sexually explicit nature up where children can reach them.

Me: The display you are referring to was our valentines day display and it was up a few months back so it is no longer up.

Pat: thats not the point, the point is that you guys are a bookstore. You shouldnt have books of that nature on display. I think that definitely contributes to the moral and social decline. You are not a library or an adult shop. If you guys were a adult shop then it would be understandable that you would have that kind of product up, but you are not, you are a bookstore, so I find it a little inappropriate to have these kind of books out on display.

Me:I understand your concern. Like I said the display was only up for Valnetines day.

Pat: Can I ask you a question? Have you received any complaints about this display?

Me: No actually. Since it is geared towards Valentines day, A lot of people buy product off of it.

Pat: Yeah well a lot of people do crack that doesnt mean it isnt dangerous.

Me:Well I am sorry that you are offended by this display, it si something I will discuss with my manager. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Pat: No I think I have proved my point.

Me: Have a nice day ma’am!

Pat: Bye(hangs up mid bye)

FREAAAAK!!!!!

------------

I need to shave. I am looking sooo grizzly and homeless like the street filth here on Mill ave. All I need to do is stop wearing deodorant and I would totally fly under their radar. I know thats kinda mean, but its true. Smelly nasty filthy Mill Ave gutter trash. I knwo half of them arent even homeless, they just think its cool to hang around Mill ave all stinky and shit so they can pick pocket and bum money off of decent human beings. God I hate Mill Avenue!

------

Saturday, March 21, 2009

an appreciation for Twilight....(dont laugh at me!)

So I needed to get some coca cola and toilet paper at 12:00 am last night (because I was going to shit and drink a can of coke; pretty sweet night lol) so I decided to go to the local Wal-mart since its open 24/7.

I noticed right away that it was chaos and I was in the far end of the parking lot. As a ascend on the entry way I notice a obnoxious amount of tweens gigglin in delight as they rush to their parents car parked outside, each one carrying the reason for their insane euphoria---TWILIGHT dvd.

Oh yeah it was released at midnight. SHIT!

I walk in and it was like christmas. Nearly every lane was 25 plus people standing in line anticipating the sheer enjoyment of owning a piece of Bella & Edward's strange love put to celluloid.

I had to dodge hysterical tweens just to get my fuckin TP.

Luckily it didnt take me too long to get through my line. up at my lane it looked like some got soo impatient that they ditched the copies they were intending on buying. their loss, my gain. I grab one of the disgarded copies and put it with my items. I look around and a few bras make fun of the people in the lines "man faggots ha ha look at them buyin twilight". I am not a faggot so I know the were not talking about me so I go on about my business of waiting to check out. Ironically enough, the two bras were in the next lane....with a copy of twilight.

I giggle. Homos. lol!

I pay for my shit & and make the trek home.

----

Ok I know I said I wouldnt see it, but I also said I was straight when I was 16 and look at how true that was.

I have to see what this Twilight hubbub is all about.

I attempted to read the books and everytime I opened the book, I got through the first chapter and fell asleep.

So I popped it in and watched it. Aside from its transitioning errors, it wasnt that bad.

It was cute. That is my critique.

--------

I went on a date and it was kinda a bust.

No offense to the boy at all, he was cute and had a nice ass, but no chemistry.

I need to make out!! lol